As the months roll on, we continue to receive phone calls from friends announcing new pregnancies. We receive the news with excitement tinged with our own sadness as we tick people off the imaginary list we have formed of those we expect to see arrive at our destination before us. I wish I could write that I experience nothing but pure delight but it is impossible in this yearning season not to feel a loss of our own every single time. I am acutely aware that as I walk the corridors of infertility clinics and see consultants, friends of mine are walking the corridors of ultrasound wards to have their first scan and see their baby for their very first time. We want this so much for them. But we want it for ourselves too.
Small things prick. It’s strange how names that you’ve held on to for your own children suddenly seem so precious that you hope they stay untocuhed by your friends. Items that you had hoped to buy for your own baby are wrapped and given away as gifts instead.
I nose-dive back into a lack of understanding of why we continue to wait and for a while again the questions against God mount higher than the truths I know about Him and I am lost within them. I know in my heart that every testimony of His faithfulness to others is a prophetic word over our own lives but instead it feels like a withholding and a passing over while everyone around us is blessed.
In this fresh despair I am given breakthrough in the form of an amazing book that I had resisted reading despite recommendations from others in similar circumstances. I had been too afraid to read it in case it told me that God’s plan for pregnancy for me was no pregnancy at all – that it is not part of His design for our future. I am foolish and forgetful of His nature in believing this lie and yet it seems, in my head, to make sense. There are no guarantees that our dreams will be fulfilled. And yet as I read Nerida Walker’s words and begin to have a revelation of God’s plan from the beginning of time, I realise all over again how this season of yearning has robbed me of a full understanding of His will for me – His will for all of us. The book storms with unwavering conviction through the fundamentals of healing, prayer, purpose, faith, hope – reminding me that His will is for ALL to go forth and multiply; not just some. And for us all at any season of our lives so much of this book speaks truth regardless of circumstances. It is in Jesus’ death and resurrection that we place our trust and hope. It is not the natural circumstances I can see in front of me that determine the outcome of our future but a miracle-working Saviour with a higher plan and the ability to overcome the bleakest of circumstances. I look to Him not to us to change this landscape. I choose to take authority over what I see in front of me reminding myself that it must bow before the Creator of the universe because He gets to have the last word on everything and it is always a better word. I rise up in my Spirit with renewed strength because it is not my ability that I have to rely on.