Hi, my name is Helena and I first started this blog in 2015, mainly because friends and acquaintances kept telling me that I should be writing. Some of those friends had read my writing before, but most who brought it up hadn’t. I recognised the voice of God in the repeated encouragement and pushed off on the one subject I knew a little about: infertility.
It’s not quite the topic I had in mind – but then living with infertility has never been part of my life plan either. It is a topic I can be honest, passionate, vulnerable and real about, however, because it’s the reality that I daily live and breathe.
I have wanted to put words to paper to record this period in my life so I don’t lose my sense of humility and compassion, perseverance and wonder when my family-forming days are no longer front and central. I have needed to write because I want to explain what it is to go through infertility and wonder if you’ll ever come out the other side of it. I have felt compelled to write because God lit a flame in my soul and I couldn’t sit still until my fingers touched the keys and I started to express what was bursting to escape out of me. And I am reaching out to you as I write because if you’re struggling with infertility too, then I know that the mask wearing and the loneliness is exhausting and you need to know that there are others who can relate to and understand you.
This is our fertility story. It’s not the same as anyone else’s. We spent six years navigating our first period of barrenness, loss and longing before our daughter, Hope, was born in 2019. Now, as we nurture dreams of our family expanding, we find ourselves once again in familiar (though obviously slightly different) territory. In my first season of infertility, I believed that those who were struggling to have a second child couldn’t be having experiences or feelings that were anything like mine, and I often resented their complaints and tears. My commonest thought, “At least they have a child; why can’t they just be grateful!?” And there’s something to be considered in that. The trouble with infertility, however, is that whether it’s the first time around or not, it is always about the deep and natural longing for the gift of a child. Though secondary infertility has a different backdrop, many of the same thoughts, emotions, experiences, losses, identity-destroyers and challenges as primary infertility re-emerge. And so I continue to write.
I hope that what I have written on this blog will be useful. There are many amazing blogs on infertility. If this one doesn’t help and you are looking for help then please keep searching. Sharing our stories is the best way to find encouragement, hope and strength, and there are many other amazing women out there who know how to talk about this issue.
My wish is that these pages here bring you comfort and hope. My wish is that you feel seen and known and understood in the bewildering lostness of infertility. I’m unashamed in sharing how my faith in God has underpinned all that we’ve been through. For me, without Jesus there is no hope and that is why I talk about my faith a lot because we all need hope – and actually we all need Jesus.
Come find hope for your future with me.