The doubts had started to creep in again and I have found myself again increasingly fearful that the one thing I hope for – to be pregnant – is not what He has chosen for me. God reminded me powerfully today that He hears us even when we aren’t necessarily talking directly to him at the time.
I had been marvelling earlier that Jesus promises never to leave us and the instant we cry out he is with us, so close we could touch him. That was the full extent of my thought and it hadn’t occurred to me that He was listening to my musings and might like to demonstrate the power within them. Later on in the car I was listening to a radio interview with a man who had experienced some awful moments in his life but had fought to be an overcomer. His chosen victory song was an old Travis track, Flowers in the Window and as I listened I felt the Holy Spirit shove my body into alertness. This song was to be significant for me too. I listened intently to the lyrics, “Oh wow, look at you now. Flowers in the window. It’s such a lovely day and I’m glad you feel the same” and concluded that the lyrics were very pretty so perhaps Jesus was simply reminding me of how much he loves me (whilst rather cynically wondering whether in actual fact it wasn’t the Holy Spirit who had given me the jitters, but the one-off cup of coffee that I had treated myself to after a caffeine hiatus!).
Later in the day I found myself pondering the song again. I was convinced such a moment in the car meant something to God for me. I have learnt of His love of a treasure hunt so this was a clue. To Google the lyrics? No, I found myself opting for the video. And that is when God revealed his marvellous blessing and His wonderful sense of humour. As the long intro to the video began to play I pottered around the room, half-watching. Then the lyrics started and the video’s story began to unfold and I stopped, rooted to the spot. I couldn’t believe my eyes………. With seemingly no relevance to the song lyrics at all, the lead singer wandered about a town, increasingly amused and enthralled, as he passed by woman after woman and – here’s the part that shook me to my core – every single one of them was swollen bellied with pregnancy! There was not a flower, nor a window in sight – only pregnant women rejoicing and marvelling in their expectant state, from all walks of life; all colours, all creeds! “Oh wow, look at you now”! It took my breath away. Is this what my God was telling me is for me? Barren no longer but instead delighting in the life I would be carrying one day? Confirming to me in the most cant-be-a-coincidence kind of a way that he had heard my prayers and seen my anguish?
I sank to my knees and wailed and wailed. What an utterly nuts yet perfect and personal demonstration of His promise. He hears us. He knows. He is a re-newer of hope. He hears every silent fear and every prayer in anguish. He keeps His promises. He understands our doubts and He comforts and sustains. And He speaks. Oh how He speaks when we really need Him. I am in utter awe that the little speck that is my life means enough to God that He would speak to me through a music video (and not for the first time!) to keep me going, to confirm that my prayers have reached heaven, to put fear at bay and to speak a promise over me. I am choosing to grasp that promise now I have it and cling to it with hopefulness and expectation just as the Lord requires of me. And I pray that as I wait for the miracle of life to touch our family of two, I will be fully receptive to all that He is doing in me in the meantime.
Take a peek for yourself – the first minute or two is all I needed to see…..