As I continue in this place of reflection, considering the last eighteen months, I am saddened to hear from mothers who have been through this before me still pondering the meaning of their own journey. Despite the babies they now hold in their arms, the memories of these empty, agonising days remain an unanswered, unwanted mystery. “Why, when it is so easy for God to create life, did he put me through this?” “What was that all about?” “Why did He make me wait so long?” “How could he do this to me?”
I desperately desire for us all to understand that even in the most wretched of times we have the potential to move towards a fuller revelation of God’s nature and passion for each one of us. As I look back on my journey so far I see that this has all been about knowing God’s love more deeply, pursuing Jesus’ character in the every day and marvelling at Holy Spirit’s genius in action. I have moved from feeling abandoned to abandonment in Him, from lonely to lavishly loved, from despair to praise, from disappointment to peace, from longing to surrender. This time has not been in vain. It has not been a riddle. The meaning has been in the waiting and I do not wonder what it was all about when I know I am being transformed into someone different; a woman I would rather be even though there are scars of perseverance now. He has chosen to school me in His ways and I have chosen to seek His face for the truth. I can only hope that I will have the wisdom and fortitude never to forget and always to carry forward the lessons I have learned to better equip myself for what life is sure to throw at me when this time has passed.