I am acutely aware of this moment – suspended in time – as the month drags itself along. It surprises me that two years can have passed so quickly and yet every one of the seventeen-thousand-five-hundred-and-twenty hours we have lived through seem to have been weighted with slow-releasing pain. I hoped never to see the two year mark since we started trying for a baby, yet I know from talking to other women that there is a five year mark, a seven year mark, a nine year mark…… Don’t give up. Keep the faith. It can happen. The years plod on regardless. Still I pray our time comes way before these bigger milestones.

I don’t wrestle in quite the same way anymore. I have concluded that it is irrelevant to try and do this without God. If I turn my back on God, what power to overcome do I have in this? My safety friendship group has dwindled to a very select few that I can count on less than one hand – each one that remains an absolute gem of strength and faithfulness. Gone is the relief of sharing and being real with my wider circle of friends. I have learnt the hard way that being vulnerable and open isn’t wise with everyone. I wanted to include, to educate, to share – but actually the more time passes the harder it gets and the easier it seems to be offended by ignorance or awkwardness or misguided pity.

These last two years I have pondered my brokenness and my barrenness, my interaction with children, pregnant ladies and mothers. I have watched my marriage hunker down and weather the storms with as much mutual grace, compassion and love as possible. I have cried more tears than I can remember and have persevered in prayer. I have hoped against hope, seeing with the eyes of faith and I have wondered more times than I can remember whether dreaming is a useless past-time and whether I have bought into a Disney nonsense that only comes true for the favourites. Despair makes me forget momentarily that I am His favourite. We all are.

I have learnt that life is to be lived in the moment and gratitude is key to enjoying whatever the day holds. His presence is the only balm that soothes me for feelings are fickle friends especially on a rollercoaster with so many unpredictable twists and turns…..