How to journey through this fresh grief and anger in such a way that one moves through to the other side of it, with heart rebuilt and not destroyed by the tears and the inner screaming……?
It seems impossible to bypass the pain…..
We can’t go under it…..We can’t go over it…..We can’t go around it…… We’re going to have to go through it…..
I don’t plan to linger long here, but I cannot deny the utter devastation of miscarriage. I cannot focus on what was nearly; on the joy of finally getting pregnant. I can only think about what I am now without, what could have been. For the second time in six weeks.
I have thrashed around inside my head these last few days; questions ricocheting off the walls of my heart.
I have no answers for this. I have no answers.
He is still GOOD. I know that is fact. But this ache. This yearning. This double portion of loss. This physcial confusion. How to make sense of it. To find a purpose. To find my purpose on this planet……To come to terms with this latest twist and to come up for air and not drown in despair….
Where is hope now?? She was fading fast and this latest blow has near finished her off. I feel taunted by pregnancy and ridiculed in the disappointment.
I cannot pray neat and tidy requests and musings. Much to my husband’s horror I am simply brutally honest with Father God this time. I try to hold back but still the wretchedness of this ordeal lashes out of me. I swear wildly as my heartache overflows. I think, “I would stamp on your foot, punch my fists into your chest, scream in your face if I could, Jesus”.
HOW COULD YOU ALLOW THIS????
HOW COULD YOU BLESS THEM WITH THEIR MIRACLE AND GIVE US THIS GIFT????
I am fury and fear. Faith cannot bear to watch this display, but I cannot pretend this pent-up raging isn’t in there.
And it has to come out.
I love my heavenly Father. I love Him so much! And I know He can take this. It’s not pretty. It’s not how to treat the King of Kings and the Creator of the universe, but I conclude that He is big enough – way bigger, in fact – than this tiny woman’s grief and I give it full throttle. He can hear my thoughts anyway!
I remember a friend telling me once that when a friend of hers went through a miscarriage, she drove over to her house to be with this almost-mother, climbed into the bath with her and simply held her in her grief. And I think, “God, if you would only climb into the bath with me to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok. It doesn’t need to be like Hollywood. It doesn’t need to be weird. I just need this body that you made to know that this is not the end”. And I ruminate on this reassurance….to need to know that somehow it’s all going to be ok.
And when He answers me, as I stand with cardigan pockets stuffed full of tear-stained tissues in my bathroom, I know it’s not because I deserve it but simply because He loves me.
Papa has my full attention and I bathe in the song that He sings over me, washing over my pain……
It’s all we can do…..to hold on, to put one foot in front of the other….and to trust that He – in His infinite grace, goodness and mercy – will lead us through…..
Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow could be The Day.
He longs to comfort us. He loves it when we seek His face even as we don’t know what we really want or need. And He always, always answers and comes into our situation.
Don’t let go. Don’t give up. You’re gonna be OK.